Frodo looked out across the barren landscape, the Ring heavy in his pocket.
'Oh, Sam, I'm so tired. We have traveled so far, and endured so much to come
to this horrid place at last. But I cannot go on, I simply have not the
strength to continue.'
'Enough of that, Mr. Frodo', Sam said, tears welling in his sad brown eyes. The
six months of travel showed on Samwise Gamgee, and the strain of getting to
this hellish point echoed still in his darkened countenance. His hood was drawn
up against the hot wind blowing from the slopes of the infernal mountain. 'Mr.
Elrond chose well, he did, when he held counsel. He saw through to your heart,
and knew you would be strong, Mr. Frodo, and that's what you are. Come now,
let's get moving. The faster we're done with this unpleasant business the
faster we can get back to the Shire.' Sam glanced uneasily at Gollum, still
tressed in the elven rope, and scratching where it burned his skin. Gollum
glared back at Sam, an unmistakable hungry leer in his look.
'Aye, Samwise, it has been a long road, it's true. I do wish old Bilbo had
never found this ring, and started us all on this perilous...what was that
On the path ahead, a commotion arose. Cheers and ragged screams welled from
what sounded like a hundred voices filled the chasms around Mt. Doom with an
unholy cacophony. From the cave mouth just ahead, where the Fires of Mt. Doom
burned forever, a giant Ogre came stumbling out, and trod to within inches of
where Gollum, Samwise, and Frodo sat. The three shrank back against the cliff
in fear, but the ogre took no notice of them. Instead, he raised his cudgel to
the sky, and screamed in the full timbre of his ogrish voice, 'WOOT! Dark Lord
An answering call of a hundred voices echoed from without the cave, and many a
shout of 'Woot!' and 'Gratz!' came, as more and more beings piled forth from
the cave. Elves, Hobbits, Trolls, and Humans all came forth, slapping the ogre
on the back and looking at a small black bag the ogre held in his other hand.
'Uhm, excuse me...', began Frodo.
'Eh?' the ogre turned and looked at the halfing, noticing him for the first
time. 'WTF are you doing here? Is that Mithril? Dude, WTF are you doing in this
zone in Mithril? Go to Lothlorien, and get yourself a Galadriel Skin Tunic.
It's like so much better than that crap you're wearing. Mithril, that's like,
tradeskill stuff, right? Hey, Ubernutz, check this hobbit out, he's in this
zone in fooking tradeskill crap!'
'Just a sec, Urofsuke,' a half elf said from a little ways up the trail. 'I'm
doing loot. Did you say tradeskill stuff? Hah, how lame!'
Frodo's head swam, with hunger and the heat. 'Yes, the tunic, it was forged by
dwarves long ago, and was given to me by my Uncle...'
'You're a twink?'
'Ah, hmm. I was just wondering..ah, you see, I found this Ring, lost for
centuries, and was sent on a quest from Rivendell to destroy...'
'You're doing the fooking QUEST?! BWAH, hahahah, that's rich, dude, no one has
the time to wait for that Gollum puke to spawn! Just come and kill TDL and get
his hand, and do the turn in from there. WTF, I can't believe you waited for
the fooking ring.' Urofsuke peered down at the little hobbit, a look of distain
across his broad face. 'Doesn't matter now, of course, we just pwned TDL and he
won't be around for a while.'
Frodo blinked, confused by the ogre's words. 'TDL...?'
Urofsuke sighed, and took on a tone of voice usually reserved for small, ogrish
children who had eaten a froglok right before their dinnertime. 'The Dark Lord,
dude. The boss mob in this zone. We just killed him, so he won't be up for you
to do the quest part with that ring.'
'But the council of Rivendell....'
'Dude, let me tell you, Rivendell sucks. It's only good for tradeskills. Only
reason to go to that zone is to pharm crowns from Elrond. Nice crown, but it's
his rare. He usually just drops a no drop phial, heals damage from Mordor
Blades. Like anyone uses one of those POS things.'
'Pharm...crowns?' Frodo's vision blurred, and he swayed backwards, momentarily
losing his footing. He knocked against Gollum, who let out a yelp and scampered
further back against the cliff.
'Holy fook, it's Gollum!' and without another word, Urofsuke smashed Gollum
with a mighty blow from his cudgel, and killed the poor, pathetic creature
outright. Gollum let out a small squeal, then lay still, pressed against the
elven cord. 'Hahahah! Fooking Greenie mob! I love those!', and the ogre walked
up and took a heretofore unseen bag from Gollum's back. 'Woot! Gollum's
satchel! This'll bring me a couple kpp! Uh, dude, there's another ring on the
corpse, it's no drop, and not lore, if you want it...'
'Now see here, Gollum was with us!' Samwise began, momentarily overcoming his
bewilderment and fear to approach the towering ogre. 'We were taking him to...'
'Can't claim an outdoor mob, dude. Gollum's FFA. If you didn't attack him, he's
not your mob. Sorry, them's the rules.'
'Urofsuke, my alt just reported Smaug up in Gondor, dude, let's go!' Ubernutz
had finished handing around what appeared to be a darkened sword and crown.
'We're porting out from here, you in?'
'Yeah, I'm coming. Well, nice talking to you guys. We're porting to Gondor, you
guys need a lift?'
'We have walked for many months to come to this place...' Frodo began again,
trying to regain some measure of control over the situation.
'You WALKED? In MITHRIL? To MOUNT DOOM? Dude, there's a port in at Minas
Morgul! WTF ever, okay? I'm outta here.' And with that, a shimmering light
surrounded the ogre, and a whooshing sound heralded his disappearance, and the
disappearance of the other hundred or so souls that had gathered on that
desolate trail, leaving Samwise and Frodo alone, once again, with only the
bleeding corpse of Gollum for company. The one ring of power gleamed dully in
Frodo's hand, and seemed, for a long while, to be just a bit heavier than it